How do you spoil yourself?

The usual question is to ask what is your love language? and that is relatively easy to answer. My love languages are food, words, and images, for others it is hugs, or buying gifts, some choose to say it with flowers. Whatever the language or symbolism you choose to express your love and affection towards those you care about, never hide it or be afraid to share it. Life is too short to live with such regrets, and there is never a wrong time to choose to spoil someone.

However, we tend get so caught up in trying to come up with new ways or variations to express our love for others that we overlook the most fundamental person we need to spoil – ourselves. In our roles are siblings, parents, spouses, partners, roommates, children or friends, we are swept away with all the possibilities and options, in consideration of the budget available of course, but when was the last time to actually treated yourself to something? For those of us raised in conservative or traditional families during the 60s and 70s, or even earlier, it was deeply ingrained in us to put others first, because anything else was deemed selfish, and that went against any god-fearing family values. What resulted from this approach was several generations of people harbouring a deep guilt complex about doing something exclusively for ourselves, fearful of being caught or called out on it – Why didn’t you call? Why didn’t you share? Why didn’t you tell us? How could you have done that all alone? It was very selfish not to include your brother / sister We would have loved to join … This of course is diametrically opposed to the current me-first generation who have yet to learn about mindfulness and inclusivity, so it brings us back full circle. Once again, thanks to social media, we are plagued with so many guilt trips – body image, partnerships, sexuality, professional and academic achievements, etc. but ironically it is the opposite to the environment I grew up in. You can’t win either way and it frustrates me.

Back to the original question though, how do you spoil yourself? I’m not talking about anything material and in this context retail therapy doesn’t count. Why not? Because the idea is to nourish and nurture your soul, make you feel at peace with the world again, ground yourself to find strength and courage to move on.

How do I treat myself? The choice depends entirely on the mood, need and purpose.

• Silence – unplugged from the world in general.
• Romantic evenings with piano or cello music and candlelight. Switch off all the lights and just be surrounded with candles without anyone harping on that it’s too dark, or the music too dull. My home has really old rustic walls that lend themselves to the perfect medieval moody evening.
• Curling up with a good book in the company of a cat or two and even better if it is raining outside. I’ve developed a morbid fascination for mafia romance, so if the weather cooperates, it really transports me to a different world altogether!
• Cooking and eating – this doesn’t have to be anything fancy or elaborate, sometimes it might just be pancakes or even rice and fish, but it is a meal that grounds me and reminds me of my roots and from whence I draw my strength. This weekend for example, I made a pasta salad that my mother would have frowned upon, but hey, my salad, my appetite, so my tastebuds!
• A luxuriously long shower – I miss having a bathtub, and the elaborate ceremony surrounding uplifting bubble baths, but I recently discovered the concept of shower bombs which is an indulgence of aromatherapy that makes up for an inability to access or afford a spa nearby.

The idea of doing something entirely for my own benefit and well-being, and not having to plan for anyone else is the ultimate treat, and some days this might even be something as simple as staying in bed longer, snuggled under the blanket, or as elaborate as making pickles and sauces for my pantry. It has taken me almost a lifetime to overcome the guilt of doing something just for myself, but I have learned to let go of it and ignore the voices and judgemental opinions of others.

I am enough.