Assignment #3: Apologise to myself and my inner child.
Wow, this is a tough one, especially since I just began emotional abuse therapy.
How do apologise for allowing myself to be trampled upon, verbally abused in private and public, over the phone, and in writing?
How do I apologise for being a victim?
How do I apologise for cowering in fear instead of fighting back?
How I apologise for not knowing how to extricate myself out of a toxic situation?
How do I apologise for being good to others when I should have selfishly been putting up my protective shields instead?
I grew up in a very protected environment, extremely religious, and in a social condition where the female roles have always been submissive. So yes, what I recognised as obedience was actually submission to the will of someone else. My inner child never learned to fight back, but cowered in fear instead at raised voices or criticism. I withdrew and kept the pain to myself, accepting the humiliation at all costs. This of course made me the perfect victim for a narcissist who needs to prove themselves, and destroyed me in the process.
Today, on the feast day of St. Teresa of Avila, my patron saint after whom I am named, and call upon today for strength:
Let nothing disturb you.
Let nothing make you afraid.
All things are passing.
God alone never changes.
Patience gains all things.
If you have God you will want for nothing.
God alone suffices.
-St. Teresa of Avila´s bookmark
This is a difficult assignment, especially since it entails revisiting all the horrible abusive moments that pushed me over the edge. I’ve been here before, back in December 2017, and I stupidly allowed myself to be drawn into the same vicious cycle, falling victim to a series of destructive encounters with someone who is blind to their abusive nature. Divorce, let me tell you, was a walk in the park in comparison, especially since it was engulfed in generosity and kindness.