If anyone is ripe for change that would be me. Not that my life has been boring in the last 50++ years, but I could definitely use a holiday and a change of pace. My soul needs re-charging, the kind that doesn’t come from sleeping or shutting the world out. In spite of the fact that I cut back on work (for health reasons), the extended weekends seem to be designated to catching up on everything else I neglected to do during the week. Bills and all sorts of obligations pile up on my desk, and this is the time I use to tidy up in the kitchen as well.
It seems as though life has become a matter of surviving one day after another, and that is not the quality of life I am satisfied with or am willing to conform to. Which is why, even though I am exhausted in the evenings or still dead tired in the mornings, I have disciplined myself to carve out prayer and writing time. Without them, my body goes completely haywire.
Social life? What social life? Who has time for a social life these days? I desperately miss my Soul Sisters, and on some days, chatting online just isn’t enough. But socialising is expensive, and if you are on a budget, the first corners to cut are eating out and delivery services. Not having a car also limits my movement, because then I have to ask myself at least three times whether I really want to dress up and catch the bus or train again, which is what I do every day to go to work.
There is no denying that I lie awake at night and wonder what madness possessed me to pack up and move to Berlin in the first place. But there is no point in crying over spilt milk, and I am committed to making it in this crazy city, tough though it is. I have several projects in the pipeline that I cannot possibly turn my back on at this point. It is a matter of pride and self-esteem, I suppose, to work hard towards those goals and eventually find peace.
My therapist keeps reminding me to take pride in what I have achieved thus far, in spite of all the pitfalls and mistakes. It has take me a while to overcome the mud-wallowing and self-pity, but enough is enough. The thing about re-building my life though, is that certain aspects are difficult to part with, having gotten used to them for over 20 years or more. Planning for retirement alone, God knows where, is scary, and there are still so many demons to be confronted.
Back to square one: ready for change. Yes, definitely, but how to do with with the least damage to the budget possible…