I Am Tired…

of fighting,
of struggling,
of worrying,
of uncertainty,
of insecurity,
of the pain,
of the frustration,
of the lies,
of the secrets,
of the half truths.

I am tired
of being a survivor,
of being the outsider,
of being second choice,
of not being the choice,
of being told it is not possible,
of the disappointments.

My body, soul and mind are exhausted this morning, and I am struggling. I make no excuses for my emotions and dark thoughts, nor will I deny that I wish I could control them. I have a plant on my balcony that I recently purchased. When I brought it home and chose a spot for it, I thought all I had to do was water it like all the others. But like me, it is struggling with its new home and wants more than just water and sunshine.

When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,
Time takes on the strain until it breaks;
Then all the unattended stress falls in
On the mind like an endless, increasing weight.

The light in the mind becomes dim.
Things you could take in your stride before
Now become laborsome events of will.

Weariness invades your spirit.
Gravity begins falling inside you,
Dragging down every bone.

So I turn to prayer, in the hope that I find the solace and comfort that I seek. After months of being in therapy, I realise that certain pieces will forever remain broken. Though I fight not to end up in the same situation I was in December, and admit that I have made progress in many ways, the darkness within continues to overshadow the light that surrounds me, and find myself so far away from who I want to be.

The tide you never valued has gone out.
And you are marooned on unsure ground.
Something within you has closed down;
And you cannot push yourself back to life.

You have been forced to enter empty time.
The desire that drove you has relinquished.
There is nothing else to do now but rest
And patiently learn to receive the self
You have forsaken in the race of days.

At first your thinking will darken
And sadness take over like listless weather.
The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.

I have spent years living my life for others, serving, being the strong one, being the competent one.
I am tired.
Today I embrace my exhaustion, and surrender. It is just one of those moments that I wish life had turned out differently, that my choices and decisions would have yielded so much more than what I have. You cannot rush the healing process, and like my plant outside, I often wonder whether I will make it through the day. So I turn once again to John O’Donohue’s words for solace.

You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.

Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.

Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.

Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.

Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you.
Be excessively gentle with yourself.

Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.
Learn to linger around someone of ease
Who feels they have all the time in the world.

Gradually, you will return to yourself,
Having learned a new respect for your heart
And the joy that dwells far within slow time.
– John O’Donohue,
For One Who Is Exhausted
(from the book Benedictus)