On the last day of what has been the most horrible year of my life, I feel an overwhelming wave of sadness wash over me as I look back and take stock of my losses. My lawyer chastised me earlier this year for having been too brave, risking changes in my marriage, country, and profession all at one go while still grieving the heavy personal losses. In retrospect, I admit it was a hell of a move on my part, but I honestly saw no other way to handle the situation from the legal standpoint. From the emotional and mental health side, I probably should have sought out a psychotherapist from the very beginning, and perhaps not trusted too much. But that is just who I am, I love, give and trust generously and unconditionally, terrified of confrontation and living with the need to prove my strength and independence. Not everyone appreciates this brand of affection, but I realise now that it is their loss, and their problem, not mine.
I began 2017 flawed, uncertain and confused, and end it broken, shattered, and at the bottom of the barrel. It can’t possibly get any worse, or so I keep thinking each time I entertain dark thoughts of finality. Then something happens and I find myself at another all-time low, and the darkness begins all over again.
Then there are the slivers of light, the good moments that give me hope. As I wrote the other day, I must allow myself to fall, because it is the only way my friends can catch me, and caught me they have. The generous outpouring of support and love in the past week from Australia, the Philippines, Canada, the UK, Holland, USA, Germany and Belgium, has kept me alive – and for once I don’t mean that figuratively. I don’t have to name you individually, but you know who you are, and more importantly, I know.
To all the detractors who pushed me over the edge, put me down, and shoved me aside, I thank you – because of your condescending and despicable moves that destroyed me and led me to where I am now, I have learned a new meaning of hope, seek a different peace, and have shifted perspectives and priorities. I am far from healing, still very much in the stage of losing and grieving everything that I did not expect to lose. But my daughter and her beloved have come to my rescue, and I take it one day at a time, and on difficult days, one hour at a time.
2017 is finally over, and so are many other chapters in my life.