Well, I made it through Christmas Eve and Christmas Day by the skin of my teeth, full of anxiety attacks, shortness of breath, floods of tears, and endless dark moments. I had my hand on the panic button on more than one occasion, but decided to summon all my courage and retreat into the safety of the corner of my living room. I struggled.
I truly struggled.
While everyone else celebrated in the company of loved ones, my companion was the cat, and a dinner consisting of one doughnut, corn crackers and left over cottage cheese. I couldn’t bring myself to cook, knowing that it would make me even more miserable and likely to push me over the edge even further.
The feeling of suddenly being rendered completely socially incompetent after being treated and categorised as an “inconvenience” by someone I trusted, was to me the ultimate betrayal of friendship and trust I thought I was safe in, a humiliation that a shattered self-esteem could not withstand this time.
So, no, I am not fine at all.
Phone conversations are difficult, Skype and FaceTime conversations even more so, to the point where I unplugged the phone and put my mobile on DND. The Dark Side is powerful, dominant, and so easy to lose yourself in.
The cynics among you reading this will shake your heads and wonder why I am exposing my emotions in this manner. But part of dealing with depression is identifying the different elements in order to face them. As one source said, name it to navigate it. I prefer the Star Wars version of fighting The Dark Side, but the name it, navigate it is more accurate.