Monsters are like fine wine, they age, evolve, adapt, and believe it or not, they retire. Like many of us staring down the second half of our careers, retirement for monsters comes with its own absurdities, quirks, and questionable life choices. Here’s a re-imagined peek into the afterlife of your favourite creatures of the night if they has social media.
Frankenstein’s Monster Networks on MonsterIn – Frankenstein’s Monster has hung up the chains of terror, but not the chains of connection. Instead, he signs up for MonsterIn, the modern monster networking hub. Gone are the days of lightning storms and terrorising villages. Now, he spends his time updating his profile with keywords like “Innovative Problem-Solver” and “Cross-Creative Synergies”. He has a headshot with perfect lighting, even if one bolt still glows. His connection requests read: “Let’s link up! I bring fresh ideas and fresh corpses” He even attends webinars on “Staying Relevant After Five Centuries” because retirement isn’t about disappearing. It’s about rebranding.
©MJ Sabine
The Mummy’s Unraveling Senior Discount – The Mummy doesn’t chase screams anymore. Now he chases senior discounts e.g. coupons for aloe lotion, free refills at his local diner. He strolls into shops wrapped in dignity, albeit slightly loosened gauze. His mantra? “Age is about revealing yourself slowly.” He’s taken to slow walks under the moonlight, stops for tea with ancient friends, and occasionally collapses into a heap of bandages to nap. Retirement for the Mummy isn’t about fading away. It’s about unraveling gracefully on MumTok, and getting a discount while doing it.
Werewolf Wellness Retreat Under the Full Moon – The werewolf has given up chasing innocent victims and now howls zen to anyone who will listen. His new life prowls around retreats, herbal teas, and full moon yoga. By day, he’s a mild-mannered accountant or teacher, but by night? A moonlit meditator at “The Howl and Flow Wellness Spa.” He offers seminars titled “Harnessing Your Inner Beast for Inner Peace” and “Aligning Chakras With Your Alpha Side.” Retirement for him is about transformation, not terror. The occasional howl at the moon is included in the price.
Witch’s Guide to Senior Broom Parking Spots and Cauldron Politics – Retirement for witches doesn’t translate into slowing down. It simply means changing the coven. She’s now the president of the “Golden Broomstick Club,” a league of retired spell-casters with an agenda: perfect broom parking spots and the annual cauldronluck. Her guide to retirement living as seen on Witchstagram:
- Keep your cauldron simmering, you never know who will drop in.
- Master the art of silent spells at HexiCom.
- Always park your broom strategically, the best spots are swept away.
Her retirement home is a cozy cottage, full of laughter, spell books, and the smell of pumpkin spice, the perfect blend of mischief and wisdom.
Retirement isn’t about fading into obscurity. It’s about reimagining your purpose, finding joy in new routines, and maybe adopting a little absurdity along the way. Because if a mummy can embrace a senior discount, a werewolf can meditate under the moon, and Frankenstein’s Monster can thrive on MonsterIn, then so can we. Retirement isn’t the end of the story. It’s just a new chapter. One filled with broom parking spots, senior discounts, and the occasional ghost story.
Hauntvent — Because Halloween deserves more than just one night. 🎃💀
*Welcome to HAUNTVENT! If Christmas gets Advent, comprised of four weeks of build‑up, candlelight, and carols, why shouldn’t Halloween get its own countdown? Think about it. Even Thanksgiving has bonus add-ons such as Black Friday, Cyber Monday, Giving Tuesday. Oh, and let us not forget that Easter has the entire 40 days of Lent, plus Holy Week. Meanwhile, Halloween gets exactly one day. ONE! That’s like giving Christmas just one gingerbread man and calling it a holiday. We Halloween advocates deserve more. Want more. We have the right to Hauntvent. A full two weeks of delightful absurdity, seasonal satire, and spooky observations. In short, a playful countdown to October 31st. This October, I’m taking Halloween seriously. So buckle up, light your jack‑o’‑lanterns, and prepare yourself: Hauntvent has begun!
The Hauntvent Series
FrogDiva Thoughts 