“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you”
– Lewis B. Smedes
In recent months life has challenged me with a several incidents of forgiveness. This is something I have struggled with all my life, and it is only now that I talked myself into re-examining my position on the matter.
Forgiveness has four components that are often overlooked or interchanged, but mistaking one for the other, or assuming that they are a package deal will prevent you from finding the closure that you seek. What are these four elements?
* acceptance
* apology
* forgiveness
* closure
Some of you might already be up in arms asking “what about reconciliation?” Well, that’s the thing, forgiveness does not automatically necessitate reconciliation. You can forgive and move on, find your closure but reconciliation is a choice, not an obligation. In short, forgive but don’t forget. Again, these are all concepts that I am still struggling with but based on recent experience, I found that once I forgave and realised that it is entirely my choice whether or not to pick up where I left off with the other person, I found my closure.
Acceptance – whether you were wronged or you wronged someone, look at the event that took place for what it was and accept that it happened. No need to blame anyone in particular, because if you are objective about it, all parties concerned had a role in it somehow otherwise you would not be hurting. Whatever happened may or may not have a solution, and probably lead to a communication breakdown.
Apology – regardless of who was originally at fault, an apology must be made. Express your grievances and explain your feelings, perhaps even your reactions at the time. Humility plays a role here, and don’t waste time waiting for the other person to apologise first. You’ll never get your closure that way.
Forgiveness – forgive the person, for what they said or did, but don’t forget the transgression. If you can’t do it in person, then write it down. If time ran out on you, and the person passed away, write it down anyway and then burn the letter, some even suggest sending it up in a balloon. It is important to see your own words in black and white and express forgiveness in one way or another.
Closure – let it go. Once you have forgiven, move on and don’t wallow in the past. Whether you want a reconciliation that is up to you, but sometimes you realise that you don’t want to move on with the other person, and you just needed to close that chapter once and for all.
Without forgiveness and closure we remain prisoners of our emotions and thoughts, bearing grudges and constantly wondering “what if…” and “why not…”. The older you get, you realise that life is too short to carry too many burdens and grudges and we are better off spending time making beautiful memories in the here and now. In the same manner that it is advisable to declutter your home, declutter the heart and soul.
FrogDiva Thoughts 