Last Christmas, I gave you… ooops, that’s not how I wanted to start this entry. Let’s try that again – last year I didn’t put up a Christmas tree for various reasons and I promised myself that I would make up for it this year. Well, the Christmas season 2023 arrived sooner than I expected (I don’t know how and why this year flew by so quickly) and social media threw some really interesting ideas my way in terms of Christmas tree decoration, beginning with the orientation of the tree. I’ve never been afraid to defy convention and tradition, so this year I chose to tackle tradition with an upside down tree.
Many people asked me whether I hung the tree upside down because of all the cats that wander in and out of the house (between 10-15) during the day. They were a consideration, yes, but not the main reason. I just wanted to try it out, and since I have a wonderful wooden beam in the living room that was just calling to be decorated, a quirky and unconventional tree would be perfect. I did the physics and math and decided that in order to get away with my wild idea and not to place undue pressure and weight on the beam, a light artificial tree would have to suffice. Long story short, I spent a couple of hours on the ladder and this is the result:
I love the results and realised that the beam would support a slightly larger tree, or maybe even a second smaller one on the other side of the room. Either way, This has been a success in my book and the outside cats have not taken cognisance of the tree either.
Little did I know, however, that this upside down tree would be so symbolic of an event that turned my life upside down a few days later. I am stranded out at sea without the one person who was my compass and anchor, and am struggling to come to terms with the loss. Never has the death of a beloved one cut so deeply and thrown me completely off kilter, especially because it was so unexpected and no time for farewell. There is no closure when death robs you of a soulmate.
For Grief
When you lose someone you love,
Your life becomes strange,
The ground beneath you gets fragile,
Your thoughts make your eyes unsure;
And some dead echo drags your voice down
Where words have no confidence.
Your heart has grown heavy with loss;
And though this loss has wounded others too,
No one knows what has been taken from you
When the silence of absence deepens.
Flickers of guilt kindle regret
For all that was left unsaid or undone.
There are days when you wake up happy;
Again inside the fullness of life,
Until the moment breaks
And you are thrown back
Onto the black tide of loss.
Days when you have your heart back,
You are able to function well
Until in the middle of work or encounter,
Suddenly with no warning,
You are ambushed by grief.
It becomes hard to trust yourself.
All you can depend on now is that
Sorrow will remain faithful to itself.
More than you, it knows its way
And will find the right time
To pull and pull the rope of grief
Until that coiled hill of tears
Has reduced to its last drop.
Gradually, you will learn acquaintance
With the invisible form of your departed;
And, when the work of grief is done,
The wound of loss will heal
And you will have learned
To wean your eyes
From that gap in the air
And be able to enter the hearth
In your soul where your loved one
Has awaited your return
All the time.
John O’Donohue, from To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings
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