“Not now…” is an answer

God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
    and the mountains quake with their surging

Psalm 46: 1-3

Sometimes it is difficult to maintain the faith, especially when I feel as though my prayers are not being answered. But then I remember everything my spiritual mentors have taught me over the years, and realise that every single one of my prayers have indeed been answered, I just didn’t understand the answer because it wasn’t what I expected – or hoped for, or refuse to accept the answer.

Human stubbornness and determination to get what we want, instead of accepting what we need is an infinite battle that man will always lose to a greater force. Whether you believe in God or not, there is no arguing that there is a greater force that will have the final say in our lives and loves, regardless of our persistence. Sometimes it takes ultimate tragedy or death for us to realise what exactly we have been doing wrong all along.

When you lose everything that made you feel safe and secure, including everyone who completed your world, and end up starting from scratch, you tend to insist on doing things the way you have always done, never having learned otherwise or too scared to leave the comfort zone.
Therein lies the mistake.
New and unfamiliar is not wrong, it is just different, and who knows where the road will lead to.

Remember the old adage that we don’t see what is right in front of us? It applies to all that is good and bad alike, at least in my life. Whatever the mental or emotional blockages that may have blinded me for a while, they are all gone now, and the truth (forgive the cliche) has set me free. Today is the last day of June and I wonder where on earth the first half of 2019 has vanished to. On New Year’s Day I was under the illusion that this would be the year to repair the damages of 2018, get out of the tunnel of despair, and finally be on the my way to recovery. Half a year later, I feel only mildly relived and just as stuck. Or is it all in my head?

I don’t like the answers that have been given as a response to my prayers, because I am too impatient for change and eager for success. But learning to listen to what I don’t want to hear is part of growth.

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