There was a time when defining relationships was simpler. In the 70s and 80s, society ran on a four-tier system: acquaintances, friends, relatives, and colleagues. Occasionally, someone was “seeing someone,” which usually meant they’d gone to dinner twice and might get married next spring.
Now? We have situationships, friends-with-benefits, virtual connections, soft launches, emotional support crushes, and an entire United Nations of half-defined human arrangements. It’s not that modern love has evolved, but much to our horror, relationships per so have been brutally rebranded by marketing interns with Wi-Fi and trust issues.
The Golden Age of Straightforwardness – In the 70s and 80s, if you liked someone, you called them on a landline. You might “go steady,” a phrase that implied stability, commitment, and possibly matching denim jackets. Marriages were straightforward: you met someone, married them, had two kids, a mortgage, and a stubborn sense of mutual endurance. Sure, people were occasionally miserable, but at least everyone knew their role. You didn’t need a flowchart to explain your romantic situation. Your mother didn’t have to ask, “Is he your boyfriend, your situationship, or your co-parent who sometimes crashes on your sofa?”
The Marital Plot Twist – Then came the great disruption: divorce, once whispered about behind lace curtains, now a rite of passage with paperwork and playlists. From those ashes rose the patchwork family, a beautiful chaos of step-everythings: stepdads, bonus moms, half-siblings, exes who attend birthdays, and group chats that require family trees to navigate.
These families may be complicated, but they have one thing going for them: honesty. Everyone knows who they are and where they stand. There’s no ambiguity, just logistical confusion and a shared Google Calendar. Meanwhile, outside the suburban kitchens of blended harmony, the rest of us were busy inventing open relationships— a noble experiment in radical honesty that often ends in radical therapy.
Open, But Confused – Open relationships were supposed to fix everything. “Why should love be possessive?” we asked, while refreshing our partner’s location on Find My iPhone. The idea was to be modern and free, two people so enlightened they could discuss boundaries over brunch without flipping the table.
In practice, open relationships often work beautifully… until one person catches feelings, the other catches guilt, and everyone else catches a mild existential crisis. Still, at least they’re defined, unlike the reigning monarch of confusion: the situationship.
The Age of Undefined Everything – A situationship is like a relationship that refuses to label itself . Let’s call it the tofu of modern romance. It takes on the flavour of whatever’s around it, providing all the emotional calories with none of the commitment. You text all day. You share snacks, jokes, and possibly DNA. But if someone asks, “Are you together?” the answer requires a PowerPoint. “Well, we’re not dating, but we’re more than friends, and we’re exclusive, but not officially exclusive.”
In short: you’re together, but only if nobody calls it that.
From “It’s Complicated” to “Don’t Ask” – It wasn’t always this bad. The early 2000s gave us a simpler time: the Facebook relationship status. Remember “It’s complicated”? That little blue box said everything. It was the first socially acceptable way to broadcast chaos without detail. Since then, social media has turned relationships into branding exercises. “Hard launching” your partner on Instagram is now as serious as signing a mortgage. “Soft launching” emerges as an artful photo of two cocktails and a mysterious forearm, is the warm-up act. And of course, we have virtual friendships, parasocial crushes, and AI companions, because, of course, even our loneliness has gone digital.
The Future: Now Streaming – Given the current trajectory, we can only assume the future holds subscription-based relationships:
- Basic Plan: Occasional texts, no commitment.
- Premium Plan: Shared streaming passwords, emotional availability.
- Platinum Plan: Marriage, joint taxes, and arguments about dishwashers.
Until then, we’ll keep inventing new titles for old feelings — trying to pin down love with hashtags and disclaimers. Because deep down, we’re all still that person in the 80s with a landline, nervously asking, “So… are we going steady?”
Only now, the answer is: “Well, it’s a bit more nuanced than that.”
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