Let’s talk about death today. It is not an easy subject but one that we are constantly confronted with as we journey through life. Some will say that we begin to die the moment we are born, others claim that death is a portal to another life. Whatever your belief, it is undeniably linked to departures and farewells.
Losing a loved one is a fact of life that we must all face, but unlike other experiences, it never gets easier as you age. If anything, you learn to be more detached or perhaps even cynical, hoping that when your own time comes, it will be a gentle departure. About 30 years ago I watched a documentary about live wakes, where the concept is to organise your own wake while you are still alive in order to be able to personally say good-bye to those that matter most to you. It got me thinking, like many others that were interviewed for the film, that I want to be able to hear what friends and family say, to be able to hear the eulogy regardless of who says it and be able to thank them for the memories and the moments shared. What use are the lovely and emotional words to the departed when they are no longer there to respond and receive? Ever since I watched that film, I can’t help but wonder at each funeral I attend what the dearly departed would have said to the eulogy.
I’ve witnessed a handful of people who put their affairs in order before they passed away, and I think this is highly commendable, rather than take the easy way out and let the survivors take care of it all. One of the most touching experiences was the manner in which my mother-in-law departed. She lost the battle to cancer and she was well aware of her final days drawing near. Over the course of six months or so, she slowly and painstakingly began writing us individual letters, which she then hid in a drawer where she knew with absolute certainty they would be found. Prior to this, she began inviting friends and relatives over to spend one last meal with them and say good-bye. Her fortitude and courage in the face of death and amidst the pain she was suffering set the standards so high for all other deaths that I decided that when my time comes, I want to be able to leave everything in oder and be able to say my good-byes. I don’t want to be robbed of that opportunity to help someone with the grieving process that will follow, or even assist them in closing a chapter. That old saying that time heals all wounds is absolute bullshit. All time really does is close the wounds, but the healing process has nothing to do with time, but with mindset and the ability to accept, forgive and let go.
Why am I talking about death again? During the Easter weekend I received a phone call that I will forever regret declining. My Soul Sister Yvonne called but since I was in silence as part of my Easter silent retreat, I replied with a message that I would call her the next day. She responded with a long voice message in which she said good-bye, as her body was loosing the battle and shutting down. It was just as well, she said, that I did not answer the call, because this way she can leave me a love message that I can play over and over whenever I need to in order to find closure. She knew how much I would need it. Her phone was switched off shortly thereafter.
We had talked about our similar views about wanting to have live wakes, eager to be able to say good-bye in person to those we love the most. I feel as though I failed her and did not live up to my part of the bargain, but she found her peace and was able to make the necessary calls. I, on the other hand, am struggling to find closure, hoping that there might still be a chance that I wake up one morning and we can jump on our weekly zoom call. I can’t turn my back on a 45-year old friendship and simply close the book on it. For all intents and purposes, she was my very first soul sister, and the guilt is gnawing at my heart.
We always ended our calls with the following words: Te quiero muchísimo Hermanita, y te mando un abrazo fuerte y muchos apapachos (I love you very much little Sister and I send you a big hug and many kisses). To which I need to add – No me despido Hermanita. Todavia no.
Related entry:
FrogDiva Thoughts 